1
00:00:06,700 --> 00:00:08,650
Why is wood so heavy?

2
00:00:08,700 --> 00:00:09,650
Well, rest it on your hip.

3
00:00:09,700 --> 00:00:11,650
Well, I'm not a circus seal, Mum.

4
00:00:11,700 --> 00:00:14,650
Oh, should I stick the standing lamp
on me neb as well, while I'm at it?

5
00:00:14,700 --> 00:00:16,650
It'll be worth it when
you see how I want it.

6
00:00:16,700 --> 00:00:18,650
Your father has no idea.

7
00:00:18,700 --> 00:00:21,650
GLASS SMASHES

8
00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:22,650
Oh, crap it!

9
00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:23,650
Oh? Oh, God, what?

10
00:00:23,700 --> 00:00:25,650
- I've crapped it!
- Oh, dear.

11
00:00:25,700 --> 00:00:27,370
Oh, what a crap!

12
00:00:28,700 --> 00:00:30,700
Oh, yes. Oh, dear.

13
00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:35,650
Aw! You've smashed Mammy.

14
00:00:35,700 --> 00:00:37,650
Oh, God, this is bad!

15
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:38,650
OK, well, let's just keep calm.

16
00:00:38,700 --> 00:00:40,650
I'm really going to get this, aren't I?

17
00:00:40,700 --> 00:00:42,650
I'm really going to get
it right up the arse!

18
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:44,650
Well, you don't really smash
Mammy and get away with it.

19
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:47,650
- Oh, everything was looking up, Maeve.
- Oh, is the marriage off the rocks?

20
00:00:47,700 --> 00:00:50,650
- We didn't hate each other any more,
we'd upgraded. - Yeah, that's good.

21
00:00:50,700 --> 00:00:53,650
Mild disdain -- it's the elixir
of a long marriage, Maeve.

22
00:00:53,700 --> 00:00:54,650
OK, don't panic. I mean, it's...

23
00:00:54,700 --> 00:00:57,650
Mammy was in the Falklands. You
realise that, don't you, Maeve?

24
00:00:57,700 --> 00:01:00,650
Mammy sat in the Captain's Mess.

25
00:01:00,700 --> 00:01:03,650
She's been to war, she's
fought for our bloody freedoms!

26
00:01:03,700 --> 00:01:05,650
Yeah. Just a clock, obviously, but, yeah.

27
00:01:05,700 --> 00:01:08,650
Oh, you know what he's like, though.

28
00:01:08,700 --> 00:01:10,650
It's the only thing
he's got of his mother's.

29
00:01:10,700 --> 00:01:13,650
Now, do we have a plan for this?
It's sort of giving me the willies.

30
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:16,650
We'll take it to Haggards,
this arvo. Get it fixed.

31
00:01:16,700 --> 00:01:19,650
- They do clocks. - SING-SONG
GREETING - Hide it, quickly! - What?

32
00:01:19,700 --> 00:01:21,650
- Put it in the chopsticks drawer.
- The what?

33
00:01:21,700 --> 00:01:25,700
- We've got a chopsticks drawer.
- They are free, Maeve, all right?!

34
00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:32,650

 And through it all,
she offers me protection

35
00:01:32,700 --> 00:01:35,650

 A lotta love and affection

36
00:01:35,700 --> 00:01:38,650

 Whether I'm right or wrong... 


37
00:01:38,700 --> 00:01:40,650
Please, don't... don't, Mum!

38
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:44,650

 And down the waterfall,
wherever it may take me... 


39
00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:49,650
Point being, I've got a
girlfriend. It's official.

40
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:53,650
Stick it in the Times, telephone
Obama, take an ad out in Loot.

41
00:01:53,700 --> 00:01:55,650
We're together. Also, I've
invited her round for lunch, Ma,

42
00:01:55,700 --> 00:01:59,650
so sort that out, will you? Oh, I'm
going to brainstorm a menu now.

43
00:01:59,700 --> 00:02:00,650

 And through... 


44
00:02:00,700 --> 00:02:04,650

 Through it all she offers me protection

45
00:02:04,700 --> 00:02:06,650
A lot of love and affection

46
00:02:06,700 --> 00:02:08,570

 La la, la la la. 


47
00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:12,650
Yeah, it feels really
good. Officially a couple.

48
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,650
- It's really weird.
- It's been quite hard-going, moving down,

49
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,650
but I guess it's all kind of working out.

50
00:02:17,700 --> 00:02:22,650
- And have you told him about your
police conviction yet? - Um, no.

51
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:25,650
Thanks for immediately bringing that up.

52
00:02:25,700 --> 00:02:28,650
I have practised saying it,
but it always sounds bad.

53
00:02:28,700 --> 00:02:31,650
- Well, go on, then. "Hi, Tom."
- I know what you mean.

54
00:02:31,700 --> 00:02:33,650
- Well, I haven't started yet.
- Quite nasally.

55
00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:37,650
- Can I carry on? "Hey, Tom..."
- Uh-uh-uh!

56
00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:39,650
"I've got a police conviction, because..."

57
00:02:39,700 --> 00:02:41,650
"You disgust me!" I'm playing Tom now.

58
00:02:41,700 --> 00:02:44,650
- You don't have to play Tom.
- "Why have you got a police conviction?"

59
00:02:44,700 --> 00:02:47,650
- "Because I accidentally..."
- Not true. Hermione again.

60
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,650
"Because on purpose, I
reversed into a van."

61
00:02:49,700 --> 00:02:52,650
- Leukaemia charity van.
- Yes, OK, I was saving that bit.

62
00:02:52,700 --> 00:02:54,650
"Because on purpose I reversed into a..."

63
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:57,650
"Why has it taken so long
to tell me? I'm furious!

64
00:02:57,700 --> 00:02:59,650
"And hurt."

65
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:03,650
"Because I didn't want to scare
you off and I really like..."

66
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:04,650
"Ironic then, isn't it,

67
00:03:04,700 --> 00:03:09,650
"that by not telling me, your very
dishonesty itself has scared me off?

68
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:12,650
"The very thing you didn't
want to happen is happening...

69
00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:15,440
- "ie -- you are dumped!"
- PHONE RINGS

70
00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:17,650
- This is my mum.
- Foster mum.

71
00:03:17,700 --> 00:03:20,700
Yeah, I might take this in my room.

72
00:03:22,700 --> 00:03:24,650
Ellen, your breakfast.

73
00:03:24,700 --> 00:03:27,650
Oh, by the way, Mum, what are
you doing about your 50th?

74
00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:32,650
'Ah, well, it's not why I'm
calling, but did Alice not call you?'

75
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:35,650
- What? No. - 'Alice is
organising me a surprise party.'

76
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:36,650
What are you talking about?

77
00:03:36,700 --> 00:03:40,650
'Oh, love, she let it slip and I've
promised I wouldn't speak about it.'

78
00:03:40,700 --> 00:03:42,650
Am I not invited?

79
00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:45,650
No, you are, it's just a new, special
invite where you don't get told about it!

80
00:03:45,700 --> 00:03:49,650
Ha-ha! Heya, getting bored
through there, so...

81
00:03:49,700 --> 00:03:52,650
- When are you doing it?
- 'It's tonight.' - Tonight?

82
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:53,650
'So, are you not coming, or...?'

83
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:57,650
- Tonight as well, that's bad. Gutted.
- Where is it?

84
00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:59,650
'The Prince Charles, obviously.'

85
00:03:59,700 --> 00:04:03,650
Oh, no way! Are they still doing
that chilli con carne lasagne?

86
00:04:03,700 --> 00:04:06,650
'Yeah, with the cheesy
garlic bread. [SHE LAUGHS]

87
00:04:06,700 --> 00:04:08,650
'Oh love, this is all a shock, isn't it?

88
00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:11,650
'I'll save the thing I was going
to say, I'll tell you another time.'

89
00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:13,650
No, don't worry, I'll make it,
I'll book my tickets in a bit.

90
00:04:13,700 --> 00:04:16,650
- What's the other thing?
- 'Oh, no, it's nothing.

91
00:04:16,700 --> 00:04:19,650
'Now's not the time. You've
had enough heartache.'

92
00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:22,650
- Well, obviously you have to tell me now.
- This should be good.

93
00:04:22,700 --> 00:04:25,650
It's too much. Too secret.

94
00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:27,650
Mum, seriously, I mean...

95
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,650
Fine, you've got a grandfather.

96
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:31,650
- What?
- Good God, that's a load off.

97
00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:32,650
I mean, what?

98
00:04:32,700 --> 00:04:34,650
I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

99
00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:37,650
They told me a few years
ago and I just didn't know

100
00:04:37,700 --> 00:04:39,650
if it was right to tell you,
and then I thought, well,

101
00:04:39,700 --> 00:04:42,650
because you've moved down to
London, I could do it now.

102
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:44,650
Why, so you didn't have
to tell me face-to-face?!

103
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:47,650
No, because that's where he lives.

104
00:04:47,700 --> 00:04:48,650
Give me the address!

105
00:04:48,700 --> 00:04:52,650
Hmm, I mean it doesn't matter if
she's not "the one", you know --

106
00:04:52,700 --> 00:05:00,650
I'm just pleased he's
showing any interest.

107
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:03,650
interested in buying a submarine
or trying to get a giraffe

108
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:06,650
into a hot-air balloon, you know
-- it just wasn't going to happen.

109
00:05:06,700 --> 00:05:09,100
Yeah, I mean he's not exactly...

110
00:05:12,700 --> 00:05:17,650
.. the creme de la creme, is he?

111
00:05:17,700 --> 00:05:18,650
Grace Rust.

112
00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:20,650
Yeah, what was the story there?

113
00:05:20,700 --> 00:05:23,650
She lied to him and he was very
paranoid after that, you know,

114
00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,650
and he didn't go out with
anyone else for two years.

115
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:26,650
What was the lie?

116
00:05:26,700 --> 00:05:28,040
Well...

117
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:32,370
Mother, sister.

118
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:34,900
Hmm.

119
00:05:41,700 --> 00:05:44,650
They were due to go on
holiday, but at the last minute

120
00:05:44,700 --> 00:05:48,650
she cancelled, because she said
she had a part in Harry Potter.

121
00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:51,650
- She said she was going to be
Luna Lovegood! - Luna Lovegood!

122
00:05:51,700 --> 00:05:53,650
THEY BOTH LAUGH

123
00:05:53,700 --> 00:05:55,650
- Luna Love...!
- Hi, Tom.

124
00:05:55,700 --> 00:05:57,650
- Were you talking
about Grace Rust? - No.

125
00:05:57,700 --> 00:06:00,650
- Yeah.
- Abracadabra!

126
00:06:00,700 --> 00:06:03,650
- They don't even say that in
Harry Potter, Mum! - "Abracadabra!"

127
00:06:03,700 --> 00:06:06,650
- Oh, forget it!
- Petronius.

128
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,370
I never saw it.

129
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,700
Come on. Come on!

130
00:06:21,700 --> 00:06:24,650
Do it!

131
00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:26,650
SUNG TO LONE RANGER THEME: 
 Ten to
ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten

132
00:06:26,700 --> 00:06:28,650

 Ten to ten, ten to
ten, ten to ten to ten

133
00:06:28,700 --> 00:06:30,650

 Ten to ten, ten to
ten, ten to ten to ten 


134
00:06:30,700 --> 00:06:32,650

 Ten to TEN, ten to ten to ten

135
00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:35,650

 Ten to ten, ten to
ten, ten to ten to ten...

136
00:06:35,700 --> 00:06:37,700

 T-t-t... 


137
00:06:49,700 --> 00:06:51,700
HORN BEEPS

138
00:06:57,700 --> 00:06:59,650
- Does she like pate, Tom?
- What?

139
00:06:59,700 --> 00:07:01,650
- Does she like pate?
- Probably.

140
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:04,650
Oh, great, well, I'll go out
and get some pate as well, then.

141
00:07:04,700 --> 00:07:06,650
Point taken, brilliant, Queen
Victoria paying a visit.

142
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:10,650
- Doesn't mean you have to go out and...
- No, well you've said it now. - Criminal.

143
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:11,650
Don't worry, Mum, I'll go to the shop.

144
00:07:11,700 --> 00:07:13,650
I want to get some olives anyway.

145
00:07:13,700 --> 00:07:15,650
Does she like olives, Tom?

146
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:19,650
- Oh, probably, if her attitude to
pate is anything to go on. - All right, Mum, calm down. - Criminal.

147
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:23,650
- What? - Nothing. - What did you
say? - Sorry, I can't do this any more.

148
00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,650
I'm living a lie and it's,

149
00:07:25,700 --> 00:07:28,650
it's tearing me limb from limb.

150
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:30,650
Oh, my God, he's a homosexual.

151
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:33,650
- What? No, I'm not!
- No, no, I know.

152
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,650
Lesley, did you mean that?

153
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:38,170
No, I was kidding, having a laugh.

154
00:07:40,650 --> 00:07:41,650
What did you actually say, Dad?

155
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:45,700
I said, Tom, Ellen is a criminal!

156
00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,170
A felon, a crook, an ex-con-vict.

157
00:07:54,700 --> 00:07:57,650
- Poor old Dad. - No, he's been
watching too much athletics.

158
00:07:57,700 --> 00:07:59,650
No, I have not been
watching too much athletics.

159
00:07:59,700 --> 00:08:01,650
You're a barmy old fool.

160
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:03,650
- Gets him all het-up.
- No, it does not, Lesley!

161
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:04,650
Women's pole vault especially.

162
00:08:04,700 --> 00:08:06,650
Olives-wise, I'm feeling pimentos.

163
00:08:06,700 --> 00:08:08,700
I've got evidence. Hmm.

164
00:08:13,650 --> 00:08:14,650
I don't think I can do this.

165
00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:16,650
You're bound to be nervous, love.

166
00:08:16,700 --> 00:08:21,650
He could turn out to be an awful,
awfully abusive... don't know, cannibal?

167
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,650
Say? One of the bad kind of cannibals?

168
00:08:23,700 --> 00:08:25,650
I should have phoned ahead.

169
00:08:25,700 --> 00:08:28,650
I'm just going to go and
then I'll phone ahead.

170
00:08:28,700 --> 00:08:31,650
- I'm going to go.
- No, well, we're here now.

171
00:08:31,700 --> 00:08:34,650
I only really wanted a look
anyway, I mean, it's fine,

172
00:08:34,700 --> 00:08:36,650
it's good to put a face
to a grandparent, but...

173
00:08:36,700 --> 00:08:39,700
- Oh, hello there.
- (Hello. Um.)

174
00:08:50,700 --> 00:08:54,650
I'm so sorry, I thought you
were coming a tad later.

175
00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,650
Did you? Um...

176
00:08:56,700 --> 00:08:58,650
You are here to muck-out the pigeons?

177
00:08:58,700 --> 00:08:59,650
Oh, sorry, no.

178
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:01,650
Yes, we are actually, that's us all right.

179
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:05,650
- Well, hold on, what?
- Perfection. Follow me.

180
00:09:05,700 --> 00:09:08,650
I'm not coming all this way without
a peek at your twisted parentage.

181
00:09:08,700 --> 00:09:10,040
Oh, God!

182
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:16,650
You don't seem to have much, um,
cleaning paraphernalia with you.

183
00:09:16,700 --> 00:09:18,650
Ah, yes, good point. Maybe we should...

184
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:21,650
- She does it bare-handed.
- Do I?

185
00:09:21,700 --> 00:09:23,700
Au naturale. Oh.

186
00:09:25,700 --> 00:09:29,650
I've never seen that done,
but, er, your choice.

187
00:09:29,700 --> 00:09:32,650
Er, right, I'll just, er,
I'll just empty this bucket

188
00:09:32,700 --> 00:09:35,170
and then I'll leave you two to it.

189
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:41,650
I can't tell him. We'll do this and
I'll talk to him, but then we're going. I can't do this right now.

190
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:44,700
That's fine, actually. It's
already getting a bit yawn.

191
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:47,650
So how long have you had these then?

192
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:52,650
These? Oh, a long time. I love 'em.

193
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:55,650
There's something fabulous about pigeons.

194
00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:57,370
This one here...

195
00:09:58,700 --> 00:10:00,650
.. Christopher, he's my favourite.

196
00:10:00,700 --> 00:10:02,650
So, are they homing pigeons?

197
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:05,650
Oh, you can release them anywhere
and they'll find their way home.

198
00:10:05,700 --> 00:10:07,650
How do they do that?
Do they just sort of...

199
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:13,650
Ah, ha-ha, the scientists
aren't sure. I think it's love.

200
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:15,650
The males and females
live in separate hutches,

201
00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:20,650
but when they're flying back, I
let them all muddle in together.

202
00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:22,650
They all have their favourites.

203
00:10:22,700 --> 00:10:24,650
And my dear departed wife, Eleanor,

204
00:10:24,700 --> 00:10:29,650
used to say that's what love
is, it's like coming home.

205
00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:31,650
My mum says it's abs and finances.

206
00:10:31,700 --> 00:10:35,650
Ah, ha-ha, yes. Er, where do you live?

207
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:36,650
Katherine Docks.

208
00:10:36,700 --> 00:10:41,650
Oh, that's quite nearby. They
fly over there every week.

209
00:10:41,700 --> 00:10:45,650
I practise with them most nights,
so, I'll, I'll do it tonight.

210
00:10:45,700 --> 00:10:48,650
Look out of your window, half past
six to seven and you might see 'em.

211
00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:51,650
I will. I'll keep a look-out.

212
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,170
Right. I'll leave you to it, then.

213
00:10:55,700 --> 00:10:57,650
There's a lot of guano in there.

214
00:10:57,700 --> 00:11:00,650
Hmm, what's that? Is that
a foreign word for love?

215
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,900
- It's faeces.
- Oh, sure.

216
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:09,650
- It's another Grace Rust.
- Oh, don't panic, Tom.

217
00:11:09,700 --> 00:11:12,650
Community service means
anything from vandalism to GBH,

218
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,650
not many murderers do it, Tom.

219
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:18,650
There you go, Tom, she might attack,
but you'll probably survive, on balance.

220
00:11:18,700 --> 00:11:20,650
I didn't think she was a
bloody murderer! She's lovely.

221
00:11:20,700 --> 00:11:23,650
She's literally very, very lovely.

222
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:26,650
I doubt she did very much at all.
It was probably, tops -- got drunk,

223
00:11:26,700 --> 00:11:29,650
cos she's fun -- trashed a
wheelie bin or something.

224
00:11:29,700 --> 00:11:31,650
Trashed a wheelie bin? That's worse!

225
00:11:31,700 --> 00:11:33,650
That's worse than murder, is it?

226
00:11:33,700 --> 00:11:36,650
Yeah, well, at least with murder,
someone might have deserved it.

227
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:40,650
Lesley, you can't condone a revenge killing!
This is your Midlands connection, isn't it?

228
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,650
Oh, don't you bring my
heritage into this, Ashley.

229
00:11:42,700 --> 00:11:43,650
Leicester is ace.

230
00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:46,650
Well, what would justify
violence like that?

231
00:11:46,700 --> 00:11:50,650
Well, I don't know, someone
calling Tom a pointless wanker.

232
00:11:50,700 --> 00:11:52,650
Oh! Where's that come from?

233
00:11:52,700 --> 00:11:54,650
Well, if one of her friends said,
"Oh, that Tom, he's jobless,

234
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:58,650
"he lives at home, he loafs around,
he's a stupid little pointless wanker..."

235
00:11:58,700 --> 00:12:00,650
- Mum! - Con artist. - Oh, here we go.

236
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:02,650
Confidence trickster, I'm afraid.

237
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:04,650
Oh, how do you mean, Maeve?
I'm interested by this.

238
00:12:04,700 --> 00:12:07,650
- Well, sort of gulls, kind of
simple-minded singletons. - Oh, yeah.

239
00:12:07,700 --> 00:12:08,650
Backward apes.

240
00:12:08,700 --> 00:12:12,650
- Huh, profile fits. - Yeah, desperate
for love. - Hmm, gulls are into sort of...

241
00:12:12,700 --> 00:12:15,650
Into what? I've got nothing to offer!
What's she going to get out of me?

242
00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,650
Hmm, wouldn't be worth her time.

243
00:12:17,700 --> 00:12:19,650
God, that's true, actually.

244
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,650
- Theory scuttled.
- DOORBELL

245
00:12:21,700 --> 00:12:25,650
Oh, God, I don't... she
will tell me in her own time.

246
00:12:25,700 --> 00:12:27,650
No-one say a single bloody word!

247
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:31,700
Jesus wept! Right, hide my jazz CDs.

248
00:12:39,700 --> 00:12:41,650
- What are you doing? - I'm trying
to smile. - It's not working.

249
00:12:41,700 --> 00:12:46,650
You can't pick something like
that up after 30 years, Les.

250
00:12:46,700 --> 00:12:48,650
Hi. Hope you like pate.

251
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:50,650
Oh, not really.

252
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,700
Oh. Come in.

253
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:00,650
- The family.
- [Hello.]

254
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:02,650
You know where it is, darling.

255
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:04,440
I think so, yeah.

256
00:13:08,700 --> 00:13:10,650
Why are we now using plastic cutlery, Mum?

257
00:13:10,700 --> 00:13:13,650
- Why do you think? - She's not
going to steal the bloody cutlery!

258
00:13:13,700 --> 00:13:15,650
She's stolen most of the olives.

259
00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:16,650
Eaten -- she's eaten the olives, Maeve!

260
00:13:16,700 --> 00:13:19,650
She's like a hungry hippo.

261
00:13:19,700 --> 00:13:21,650
Ahem.

262
00:13:21,700 --> 00:13:22,650
Where's he going?

263
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:25,700
Is he going to go and
check on her in the toilet?

264
00:13:38,700 --> 00:13:41,650
Found the en-suite, Ellen?

265
00:13:41,700 --> 00:13:44,650
Oh, sorry. I couldn't
find a toilet, weirdly.

266
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,650
Oh, it's downstairs, by the front door,

267
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:49,650
where it's been for the last,
oh, I think -- 30 years.

268
00:13:49,700 --> 00:13:52,650
Oh, God, what a dumbo!

269
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:56,650
- You couldn't find it?
- Er, I must have just walked past it.

270
00:13:56,700 --> 00:13:58,650
Oh, possible, I suppose.

271
00:13:58,700 --> 00:14:00,650
You know, you're the first person
-- other than Lesley and I --

272
00:14:00,700 --> 00:14:03,650
to ever use the en-suite toilet, Ellen.

273
00:14:03,700 --> 00:14:04,650
I didn't know that.

274
00:14:04,700 --> 00:14:06,650
It's my favourite room in the whole house.

275
00:14:06,700 --> 00:14:11,700
Tom's never used it.
Maeve's never used it.

276
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:16,650
Oh. Sorry about that. As I say...

277
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:19,700
I think there's something you need
to tell my son, love. Don't you?

278
00:14:30,700 --> 00:14:32,650
- Yes, he does now know.
- You told him?

279
00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,650
It kind of came up naturally.

280
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:36,650
His dad sort of threatened
me with a baguette.

281
00:14:36,700 --> 00:14:41,650
So how did he take it? Are
you finally over? Bless.

282
00:14:41,700 --> 00:14:43,650
He was shocked, to be honest.
He seemed quite shocked.

283
00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:46,650
I was right -- there is no
way of making it sound good.

284
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:49,650
He said he understood and
that we should just forget it,

285
00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:52,650
but he also said he'd been
lied to in the past, so...

286
00:14:52,700 --> 00:14:55,650
Oh, he's clinging on, poor thing.

287
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:58,650
I guess when a starving fellow
finds a banana in a cowpat...

288
00:14:58,700 --> 00:15:00,650
I presume the banana's me.

289
00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,650
He just has to hold his
nose and get peeling.

290
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:07,650
Thought so. Right, train
booked for this evening.

291
00:15:07,700 --> 00:15:11,650
I just have to see Ern
before I go and tell him.

292
00:15:11,700 --> 00:15:13,500
I have to do that.

293
00:15:13,700 --> 00:15:16,040
I can't believe I'm going home.

294
00:15:26,650 --> 00:15:27,650
Someone's taken Mammy!

295
00:15:27,700 --> 00:15:30,650
Oh, God, Dad, she's been gone for years.

296
00:15:30,700 --> 00:15:32,650
- Mammy, not Mummy! - Oh, I
see. - Where's Lesley and Maeve?

297
00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:34,650
I think they've gone to John Lewis. Why?

298
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,650
Oh, it's my clock, my Naval clock.

299
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:37,650
Mammy fought in the Falklands, Tom!

300
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:39,650
OK, Dad, I know you're stressed out,

301
00:15:39,700 --> 00:15:43,700
- but cards on the table, I don't
like you calling the clock Mammy. - Well, where is she? - Or "she", really.

302
00:15:45,700 --> 00:15:48,650
- Oh, my God.
- What?

303
00:15:48,700 --> 00:15:50,650
- It's your woman.
- Ellen?

304
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:51,650
- Don't you think?
- No!

305
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,650
Well, who else could it be?
She was in the room last.

306
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:56,650
- I don't know, but...
- Come on, Tom.

307
00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:58,650
How well do you actually know
her, if you're really honest?

308
00:15:58,700 --> 00:16:01,650
I mean, she's already lied to
you about a police conviction.

309
00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:04,650
She is not exactly Mary Berry.

310
00:16:04,700 --> 00:16:07,440
- What are you looking for?
- Evidence.

311
00:16:17,700 --> 00:16:20,650
- What's this?
- It's a bit of fluff.

312
00:16:20,700 --> 00:16:23,650
- How long has it been there?
- I haven't been across it, really.

313
00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:27,700
Does it match any of the fluff
found on Ellen's person?

314
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:31,040
Oh, God!

315
00:16:32,700 --> 00:16:35,170
You're right, she did do it, Dad.

316
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:40,650
Hmm. I know you think you're clever, chum,

317
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:45,700
but I used to be a copper and I know
an open-and-shut case when I see it.

318
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:50,650
Yes, she's five foot five. Mm-hm.

319
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:52,650
Yeah, she's quite a pretty girl.

320
00:16:52,700 --> 00:16:55,650
Yeah, well, she may well be carrying
a clock that's seen a few things.

321
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:57,650
- What are you doing?
- I'm on the phone to the filth, Tom.

322
00:16:57,700 --> 00:17:01,650
Sorry, officer, no, no, no,
no, I used to be one of you.

323
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:04,650
Yeah, her name is Ellen Baxter.

324
00:17:04,700 --> 00:17:09,650
Well, you should have her on your records.
She smashed up some leukaemia thing. Mmm.

325
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:12,650
OK. Oh, that's good. They're sending
a pig round to her house, Tom.

326
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,650
Again, sorry, do excuse the vocab.

327
00:17:14,700 --> 00:17:17,650
I'd better call her.

328
00:17:17,700 --> 00:17:19,650
What do you mean, you don't
have the relevant pieces?

329
00:17:19,700 --> 00:17:22,650
Well, this is a one-off.

330
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:24,650
I could probably try and
cut some glass for you,

331
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:26,650
but getting parts will be difficult.

332
00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:27,650
Hmm, will it?

333
00:17:27,700 --> 00:17:30,650
Hold on, we had a call
about a clock like this.

334
00:17:30,700 --> 00:17:31,650
How do you mean?

335
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:34,650
Yes, I think this is a stolen clock.

336
00:17:34,700 --> 00:17:37,650
I'm sorry, madam, I'm going
to have to call the police.

337
00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:40,650
- Oh, don't do that, you silly prig!
- I beg your pardon?

338
00:17:40,700 --> 00:17:42,650
- It's my husband's clock!
- Can you call him and tell him?

339
00:17:42,700 --> 00:17:45,650
Why are you even getting
involved? It's so annoying.

340
00:17:45,700 --> 00:17:48,650
- Just saying, if you could call him.
- No, I can't call him. He'll implode.

341
00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:51,650
If you're really his wife, can you
at least describe what he looks like?

342
00:17:51,700 --> 00:17:55,650
- Walking Rich Tea biscuit. Why?
- Hello, there.

343
00:17:55,700 --> 00:17:56,840
No.

344
00:18:02,700 --> 00:18:04,650
He is such a little prick!

345
00:18:04,700 --> 00:18:05,650
She's just gone mental at me.

346
00:18:05,700 --> 00:18:08,650
- He's just accused me... - I merely
suggested..... - of stealing...

347
00:18:08,700 --> 00:18:11,650
- .. that maybe by accident... - ..
some stupid clock!.. - she stole it.

348
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,650
So I was like... how dare
you accuse me of that!

349
00:18:13,700 --> 00:18:15,650
So I just said, um, I was
only asking a question.

350
00:18:15,700 --> 00:18:19,650
You honestly think I'd be capable
of doing something that awful?

351
00:18:19,700 --> 00:18:23,650
Well, yeah, yeah. You lied about your
police conviction, so you're a proven liar.

352
00:18:23,700 --> 00:18:26,040
You're a liar and a crook, soz.

353
00:18:27,700 --> 00:18:30,650
I mean, maybe that was a mistake, but I was
freaked-out. I don't like being lied to.

354
00:18:30,700 --> 00:18:32,650
He thinks I'm capable of
doing that, then fine.

355
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:37,650
Look, I have to be allowed to freak out in a
relationship, that's my thing, that's what I do.

356
00:18:37,700 --> 00:18:39,650
He honestly thinks I might be a thief!

357
00:18:39,700 --> 00:18:42,650
I mean, he's meant to like me.

358
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:43,650
He just doesn't even trust me!

359
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:46,650
He does all this stuff that makes
it feel romantic, and we just

360
00:18:46,700 --> 00:18:50,650
have a laugh, and it's, it's stupid
and nice, and he was the one thing,

361
00:18:50,700 --> 00:18:54,650
and now I've lied to him, and he
thinks I'm a wandering bloody thief!

362
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,650
He threw a dart in my arm! I'm done.

363
00:18:57,700 --> 00:19:01,650
I'm packing my bags, I'm going
home where people are normal and

364
00:19:01,700 --> 00:19:04,650
they look at each other on public
transport and smile occasionally!

365
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:07,650
And hopefully, I will never
have to see him again!

366
00:19:07,700 --> 00:19:10,100
Yeah, I may have misjudged this.

367
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:20,650
- What are you doing?
- I'm going to get her.

368
00:19:20,700 --> 00:19:24,650
What, a lynching? No, Tom!

369
00:19:24,700 --> 00:19:28,500
I'm going to get her and I'm
going to tell her how I feel!

370
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:31,650
PHONE RINGS

371
00:19:31,700 --> 00:19:33,650
Hello?

372
00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:38,700
Ashley, I love you, but I've
done a terrible, terrible thing.

373
00:19:39,650 --> 00:19:40,650
What?

374
00:19:40,700 --> 00:19:43,650
His dad's phoned the police.
They're on their way over now.

375
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:47,650
It's a bloody horror show!
It's a horror hurricane.

376
00:19:47,700 --> 00:19:49,650
I never should have told him. I knew it.

377
00:19:49,700 --> 00:19:51,650
You're not really leaving, are you?

378
00:19:51,700 --> 00:19:53,650
I think I might be, to be honest.

379
00:19:53,700 --> 00:19:54,650
No, you're not. Well, you can't.

380
00:19:54,700 --> 00:19:57,650
There's a 24-month notice
period in the contract, so...

381
00:19:57,700 --> 00:19:58,650
We don't have a contract.

382
00:19:58,700 --> 00:20:01,650
Don't play hardball with me, Ellen.

383
00:20:01,700 --> 00:20:03,650
- My dad's lawyers will erase
you, permanently. - Erase me?

384
00:20:03,700 --> 00:20:07,650
They can make it look like you
murdered an immigrant, and then...

385
00:20:07,700 --> 00:20:10,650
Hermione, we'll still
be friends, you know.

386
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:13,650
Not fussed either way. I
mean, you do what you like.

387
00:20:13,700 --> 00:20:17,650
I mean, if you hate me so much, you
could have just told me a long time ago.

388
00:20:17,700 --> 00:20:19,650
Save me a lot of bother.

389
00:20:19,700 --> 00:20:21,650
What are you doing now?

390
00:20:21,700 --> 00:20:23,650
I wanted to see Ern's pigeons flying over.

391
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:26,650
Oh, no! You will never guess
what is coming down the street.

392
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,650
- Not zombies?
- No!

393
00:20:29,700 --> 00:20:30,650
No, obviously, kidding.

394
00:20:30,700 --> 00:20:32,650
Offender officer.

395
00:20:32,700 --> 00:20:35,650
I just... I have to see Ern before I go.

396
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:36,650
SHE SIGHS

397
00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:39,650
Will you keep him busy
while I sneak out the back?

398
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:40,650
Oh, you mean like...

399
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:43,650
No, I don't mean like that! Just...

400
00:20:43,700 --> 00:20:46,650
I mean, I'll hold his hand, but,
plus extras, but there's a ceiling.

401
00:20:46,700 --> 00:20:48,650
Just tell him I'm not in.
You don't know where I am.

402
00:20:48,700 --> 00:20:51,650
Just please, don't tell
anyone where I'm going.

403
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:53,700
OK, my sweet! Fly.

404
00:20:54,700 --> 00:20:56,700
- Be free.
- DOORBELL

405
00:21:02,700 --> 00:21:04,650
Well, where is she?

406
00:21:04,700 --> 00:21:06,700
She's... died.

407
00:21:09,700 --> 00:21:14,650
- Died...? - Not died as in, you
know, "Oh, look, she's dead."

408
00:21:14,700 --> 00:21:16,650
No, so, I mean, how DO you mean?

409
00:21:16,700 --> 00:21:18,650
Died, as in...

410
00:21:18,700 --> 00:21:23,650
died in terms of, she's not
here, so in terms of this area.

411
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:26,700
I'm afraid to say she's
literally gone to a better place.

412
00:21:42,700 --> 00:21:44,650
Hermione, is Ellen at home?

413
00:21:44,700 --> 00:21:46,650
You animal! You demon!

414
00:21:46,700 --> 00:21:49,650
Oh, ow! Ow, I'm sorry! What's in those?

415
00:21:49,700 --> 00:21:52,650
Ellen's things. I guess she won't
need art materials in the North.

416
00:21:52,700 --> 00:21:54,650
What are you talking about?

417
00:21:54,700 --> 00:21:58,650
Don't you get it? She's
gone, Tom! Because of you!

418
00:21:58,700 --> 00:22:00,650
She's gone home, she's never coming back!

419
00:22:00,700 --> 00:22:02,650
You mean she's leaving me?

420
00:22:02,700 --> 00:22:06,650
No, she's leaving me! You
were just also around.

421
00:22:06,700 --> 00:22:10,650
- OK, where is she? - I'm not supposed to tell
anyone, least of all traitors, so don't even try.

422
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:14,650
- If you tell me, I might be able to get
her to stay. - Fine, she's at her grandad's.

423
00:22:14,700 --> 00:22:18,700
- Right, where's that?
- Er, quite near here, not my kind of place.

424
00:22:19,700 --> 00:22:21,650
Yes? More detail?

425
00:22:21,700 --> 00:22:24,650
Er, help me out, there were cars...
It was, like, not tree-lined,

426
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:26,650
but on either side there
was, like, a line of houses.

427
00:22:26,700 --> 00:22:28,650
- That's just a street, Hermione.
- Yes, house-lined.

428
00:22:28,700 --> 00:22:32,650
- I need a sign, I need another car door.
- You're not going to get another car door.

429
00:22:32,700 --> 00:22:34,650
Something like a car door.

430
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:36,040
Ugh! Oh!

431
00:22:39,700 --> 00:22:42,650
- Well, that pretty much sums it up!
- SHE LAUGHS

432
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:43,650
Oh, every cloud.

433
00:22:43,700 --> 00:22:46,650
Oh, hold on, they're probably
her grandad's pigeons, actually.

434
00:22:46,700 --> 00:22:49,170
- What?
- He has homing pigeons.

435
00:22:51,700 --> 00:22:54,700
What, you mean they're going
to...? And Ellen's going to...

436
00:22:55,700 --> 00:22:58,640
Oh, by the sweet grace
of the good old Lord.

437
00:22:59,650 --> 00:23:00,650
What?

438
00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,700
Tom?

439
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:05,900
T...

440
00:23:06,700 --> 00:23:08,700
Oh, he's going to...

441
00:23:09,700 --> 00:23:11,640
Well, that won't work.

442
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:20,650
Oh, whoa, whoa

443
00:23:20,700 --> 00:23:22,700

 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

444
00:23:25,700 --> 00:23:28,650

 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

445
00:23:28,700 --> 00:23:30,650

 Oh, whoa, whoa

446
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:34,650

 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... 


447
00:23:34,700 --> 00:23:36,650
Sorry to drop by unannounced. Thank you.

448
00:23:36,700 --> 00:23:40,650
I was just in the area and
thought, I wanted to check that

449
00:23:40,700 --> 00:23:43,650
the hutch was clean and that
the pigeons were satisfied.

450
00:23:43,700 --> 00:23:47,650
Not that they'd be satisfied,
because they're pigeons, but...

451
00:23:47,700 --> 00:23:50,300
You're my granddaughter, aren't you?

452
00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:52,700
Er, well...

453
00:23:54,700 --> 00:23:56,500
.. yes, I think so.

454
00:23:56,700 --> 00:23:59,650
I thought so today, but I, er...

455
00:23:59,700 --> 00:24:01,650
And then the real pigeon people turned up.

456
00:24:01,700 --> 00:24:03,650
Ah, yes.

457
00:24:03,700 --> 00:24:06,700
- I don't think you did a great job.
- Ha-ha! No.

458
00:24:08,700 --> 00:24:10,650
Are you all right, love?

459
00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:12,700
I'm great. I'm great.

460
00:24:14,650 --> 00:24:15,650
London's hard work, isn't it?

461
00:24:15,700 --> 00:24:20,700
But I'm going home tonight.
To see my foster mum.

462
00:24:23,700 --> 00:24:25,650
She told me about you, actually.

463
00:24:25,700 --> 00:24:28,650
I kind of assumed that
this would never happen.

464
00:24:28,700 --> 00:24:31,650
I've ordered a taxi
from here, if that's OK.

465
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:35,650
Perfection. Would you like some
Hula Hoops while you're waiting?

466
00:24:35,700 --> 00:24:37,650
That'd be lovely.

467
00:24:37,700 --> 00:24:38,650
Cup of tea?

468
00:24:38,700 --> 00:24:40,770
No, just the... And if...

469
00:24:43,700 --> 00:24:46,700
Can you tell me anything about my mum?

470
00:24:47,700 --> 00:24:49,840
Oh, she was a lovely girl.

471
00:24:51,700 --> 00:24:54,650
She had the same backpack for 14 years.

472
00:24:54,700 --> 00:24:59,650
She knew all the breeds of the
dogs, she was obsessed with kiwis.

473
00:24:59,700 --> 00:25:02,100
- Really?
- Oh, she was lovely.

474
00:25:04,700 --> 00:25:09,650

 Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

475
00:25:09,700 --> 00:25:11,440

 Oh, oh, oh... 


476
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:18,650
A city can swallow you whole
and make you feel pretty crappy,

477
00:25:18,700 --> 00:25:21,650
but it's a great place to meet people.

478
00:25:21,700 --> 00:25:24,650
I met your grandma because she
had a fit of hiccups in a lift

479
00:25:24,700 --> 00:25:27,650
and threw her tea all over me.

480
00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:29,650
And poof...!

481
00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:31,640
That's 50 years gone.

482
00:25:53,700 --> 00:25:56,700

 Oh, oh, oh...

483
00:25:58,700 --> 00:26:00,770
Have you not got a fella?

484
00:26:01,700 --> 00:26:05,650
Um, I don't know any more.

485
00:26:05,700 --> 00:26:07,300
I'm not sure.

486
00:26:07,700 --> 00:26:12,700
It's... when we're together it's
great, but it does get complicated.

487
00:26:14,700 --> 00:26:17,040
Does it feel like coming home?

488
00:26:17,700 --> 00:26:18,900
Um...

489
00:26:20,700 --> 00:26:22,650
DOORBELL

490
00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:24,570
That sounds like me.

491
00:26:28,700 --> 00:26:30,700
OK, then.

492
00:26:35,700 --> 00:26:38,700

 Oh, oh... 


493
00:26:43,700 --> 00:26:44,900
Argh!

494
00:26:48,700 --> 00:26:52,700

 Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah... 


495
00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:56,240
As you were.

496
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,840
Oi!

497
00:27:01,700 --> 00:27:07,700

 Ah, ah... 


498
00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:16,240
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

499
00:27:21,700 --> 00:27:23,170
Close call!

500
00:27:27,700 --> 00:27:30,700
HE GROANS

501
00:27:34,700 --> 00:27:37,650
I thought you were going home.

502
00:27:37,700 --> 00:27:39,170
I am home.

503
00:27:46,700 --> 00:27:49,700
- What are you like?
- I don't... don't know.

504
00:27:52,700 --> 00:27:56,650
I'll be yours and you'll be mine

505
00:27:56,700 --> 00:27:58,650

 And we'll be fine forever... 


506
00:27:58,700 --> 00:28:01,650
- You silly bugger!
- That does really hurt.

507
00:28:01,700 --> 00:28:06,650

 I see you and you see me

508
00:28:06,700 --> 00:28:13,650

 And we can, we can be together

509
00:28:13,700 --> 00:28:20,650

 Together

510
00:28:20,700 --> 00:28:26,650

 I'll be yours and you'll be mine

511
00:28:26,700 --> 00:28:36,700

 And we'll be fine together. 


512
00:28:36,750 --> 00:28:41,300
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